He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
