she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
