you should give me head with plastic fangs in
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
