i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
