You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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