His apartment number was 69. I had to.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
