Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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