Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize