NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
