I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
this just has baby written all over it
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
