I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
