Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
