I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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