I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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