I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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