What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize