I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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