Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
