I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
