I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
