Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just had sex on a roof
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
