I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Drunk is not a location!
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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