70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
