I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
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