Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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