its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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