you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
