I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
