so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
