If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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