Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
