I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
