So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize