I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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