I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
