My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
