I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
We left an ass print on the piano.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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