I can tuck mytits in my pants
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
