ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
