this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
