why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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