I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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