So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
