I wish they made helmets for livers.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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