I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
