That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
