I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
