just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize