I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
