it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
