i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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