your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
