Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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