Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
