The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
