lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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