Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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