I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
