You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
