when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I could make wine with my vomit
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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