He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
