just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
