i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
