I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
