fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
